Why must we try to raise other people’s kids … on the internet?
Duty Calls (xkcd.com)
I may or may not have mentioned my mild internet addiction, which worsened when I had Sam glued to my boob for the first four months or so of his life. During that time, I was at home most all of the time. Also, it was winter. Also, the whatnot with the PPD. The internet, for better or probably for worse, was a big part of my life. I frequented (and still do) the oddly popular and gigantic Diaper Swappers parenting forum. I joined the Peaceful Parenting network on Facebook, and the Whole Network on Facebook as well. I also frequented sites about natural birthing, baby wearing, organic baby foods, and oh, lots of other things. The things these sites have in common? Judgment of others’ parenting decisions abound. This of course fueled my judgment phase of parenting. Why aren’t others using cloth diapers? Why don’t more women choose natural birth? I thought. Why does anyone circumcise? Why would you feed formula when you have plenty of breast milk?
Disclaimer: I will certainly try for a natural birth again. I still won’t circumcise if I have a second son. I may try cloth diapers again — I do believe there is much too much waste going into landfills. And yeah, I’ll probably try to breastfeed until one year next time … if I can.
In the statement above, folks, notice the use of “I” statements. Yep, those are my decisions. And beliefs. I now recognize that those things don’t apply to the general population a lot of the time. Newsflash, Camilla! Disposable diapers and formula ARE a LOT easier. (Yeah, taking out the trash and making bottles — those things are a pain, but they don’t add up to mountains of laundry or furiously pumping for an hour at work to get two ounces.) HA! Another newsflash — labor is incredibly freaking painful. Damn right women should have a right to pain relief! Lordy.
Since I’ve gotten off of my high horse, I’ve been increasingly amused at the comments I see floating around on forums or strings of Facebook comments. I’ll paraphrase here, since I am not keen on using exact quotes.
Peaceful Parenting asks (recently) — A mom wants to find a good forward facing carrier for her child. Her child doesn’t want to face towards her body, but prefers to look out. Can you help?
Multiple (more than 20) responses: You should never put your child in a forward facing carrier. This may cause hip issues. Please mama, reconsider before putting your child forward facing.
Me: I think she wanted actual suggestions, not a school lesson.
The, “Please, Mama,” is the especially condescending bit you see very often in these internet conversation. Another good one…
The Whole Network says, Mayim Bialik is having her son circumcised! Please leave thoughtful and loving comments on her blog about circumcision.
Responses: I cannot believe she is mutilating her son!
Responses: I left a comment that she should reconsider and not mutilate her son!
Me: Unfollow The Whole Network.
Um, mutilate? Come on. I’m not pro-circumcision, but calling out a Jewish mom and telling her she is mutilating her son is just … ugh. It’s just wrong and awful. (Miyam Bialik’s response was fairly trenchant, to say the least.)
And this is from just now…
Peaceful Parenting posts, “Does anyone know any good studies about children watching television under three?”
Multiple responses: We have never, and will never, let our children watch television. Never ever.
Other responses: I let my kids watch TV sometimes so I can make dinner or go to the bathroom alone.
Multiple responses: Just think how much more gifted your kid would be without television! Why are you letting the television raise your child? (Emphasis added.)
Other responses: Want to come raise my kids?
Other responses: Why isn’t anyone answering the question?
I haven’t unfollowed Peaceful Parenting, since Dr. Momma does post some very interesting articles. She’s also a good writer, and I gel with a lot of her beliefs. I also live for writing snarky responses to judgmental mothers. Stab stab. Poke poke.
I know it won’t cause them to reconsider the belittling remarks they leave. I know it won’t stop a lot of people from thinking they way they think or leaving unsolicited advice lying around the internet, like my dog leaves turds in my yard. But it’s fun to get a jab in here and there.
Maybe one of them will pause and say to herself, “What is it about the internet that makes me want to leave comments like that? Would I say this to my best friend? To my sister? Maybe, maybe not. Why do I want to reach across the country to say, Please Mama, don’t mutilate your child. Make sure to feed him breast milk, since formula is poison.” (I’ve seen that said more times than I can count. How does formula = poison? I’m flummoxed.)
Is it something about the anonymity? The grouping together of moms with a baby on boob, trolling the internet for mothers with whom they disagree? The automatic assumption that I AM DOING IT RIGHT, and no one else is, and therefore, they must want, nay NEED my advice?
I wish I could go back in time and change my website to Unsavvymom. I’m not any more savvy than anyone else — the name sometimes gets to me these days. And if I’m not any more savvy, there are probably a lot of other moms in my same boat.
My job has taught me many things that are important — but this one rings out in my head whenever I see posts like these — assume goodwill. When that mom is posting about her decision regarding [whatever], assume that she’s trying to do the best she can, assume that she knows a little bit about being a mom, and please, assume she’s not trying to abuse her child or put him or her in danger. Give her some credit — and think, hard, please. Maybe there are some decisions you’ve made that weren’t so perfect either.
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Welcome to the Savvy Mom Space
I’m a liberal feminist that believes that liberal, feminist ideals should gel with embracing your gender and motherhood (if that’s what you feel like doing). I support all kinds of moms and dads and parents. Oh and, although I totally love that natural vibe and not harming the environment, I supplement my organic milk and fresh fruits and veggies with the occasional Twix, the frequent Oreo, and the daily Coke Zero. I’m opinionated, not easily offended, and a loudmouth in person and on the internet. I am what I am. Welcome.
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I love it. Your insight continues to bring me happiness
On the topic of internet groups, still dealing with ebbs and flows of grief over breastfeeding not working out for us, I googled (once again!) “support for when breastfeeding does not work” and FINALLY found a facebook page called “community support for mothers when breastfeeding does not work out.” It was just started in May. There is a lot of crap on the internet, but this site has been validating and a mini-salvation to me. My husband does not understand my grief when he’s looking at a beautiful, healthy baby, and I don’t personally know any other women who have wanted, tried and not been successful with breastfeeding or overcoming the challenges they faced. In this one case, I’m glad I kept searching, but its so true that under the mask of anonymity, many women say so many judgemental things…and I think what I usually think when i see people put others down—they do it because they need to feel better about themselves. Not sure if its true, but thinking that they are insecure and that is why they are nasty makes me feel better 
I should probably add that for the last 3 months, my searches really only brought up pages that told me that real reasons why breastfeeding won’t work don’t really exist and that it must be that I’m really not trying hard enough–or site that reminded me (perhaps falsely) that my baby will be dumb, sickly, and emotionally scarred due to my failure to persist.
Sarah — I’m so glad you found a SUPPORTIVE online community! So fabulous that you did! And yeah, I found a lot of the same thing about not being able to breastfeed, or having a sudden drop in supply. It doesn’t happen! If it does happen, you’re doing something wrong! I posted on a forum about our supply drop at six months, and got a ton of responses suggesting a million things (like pumping every hour, or taking 12 fenugreek pills a day, or drinking two gallons of Mother’s Milk Team) that I should do to keep it on. And then finally, one mom was like, “I couldn’t keep up with either of my boys past seven months. They were just too big and growing too fast, so I gave them formula and they are fine!” I also remember that I had mostly formula, and I’m totally awesome.
Thanks again for your thoughtful comments.
Great Post, Camilla!! Sarah- I don’t know you but I had a horrible breast feeding experience. It left me feeling terribly guilty. I pumped for 3 months, never produced enough, my baby never latched despite endless visits and money spent with breastfeeding consultants and herbal supplements, and then I got mastitis in both breasts.You aren’t the only one!!!
that being said, I am going to try again if I have another baby, but I’m not going to sweat it if it doesn’t work.
Thanks for your comment, Jen. I hate to hear that you had a terrible experience too. Maggie is gorgeous and obviously so healthy and loved.
C -Don’t judge yourself too much either. Your posts were and are motivated by a strong desire to do the best for your child and explain thoughtfully the decisions you have made. I think your posts have all been informative regarding the benefits of natural parenting in a helpful way.
That said, there are some crazy people on the internet and I understand why you want to clearly differentiate yourself!!! To wit, in my case, my judgyness was on the co-sleeping issue. My mom had co-slept with all her kids and loved it, so I figured I would be joining the ranks of the militant co-sleepers.
I tried to co-sleep with Alana for the few couple months, and it did not work well for us at all. I was aghast at making her CIO. But she was a light sleeper and kept me up all night and it seemed to get worse as the weeks went by. She grunted, snuffled and wanted to be latched on the whole time. After five months of sleep hell, we let her cry it out. As much as I hated doing it, CIO worked for us, but not before I was relentless judgy of other moms that had to do the same thing.
After that experience, I still support the decision to co-sleep, but I think there is a line to be drawn. I was like – look, at some point there is a net loss if co-sleeping is going horribly for the mom. Here’s to loving your babe but being SANE.
Jen-Thanks for letting me know. My heart goes out to you, but I’m glad to hear (from Camilla) that your baby is doing great. My babe is too! Also Camilla, my mom, though she breastfed her 4, was formula fed and she is like a super genius, purdy darn healthy and happy–thank you for the vote of confidence–I have high hopes for Ellie!
Katie-I’m so glad you all were able to do what works for you! I remember my husband saying “our baby will NEVER sleep in our bed” and I said “beware of nevers!” before the baby comes, you have no idea what he/she will be like and i remember thinking “if I haven’t slept in 3 days, and that baby will sleep next to me, you better believe I’m letting her sleep with me–even if its in another bed!” I wish I could have been so flexible in my thoughts going into breastfeeding. Unfortunately I was very militant with myself and I suffered longer than I should have I think…but I’m learning! I completely agree with you that we should not beat ourselves up over opinions we had before when they were coming from places of caring–just learn from them as we go!