A Savvy Mom

Asleep in the co-sleeper - one of the few times!

I have thought a lot about infant sleep over the past four and a half months. I think about it for a good part of my day — how to get Sam to nap, where to put him to sleep, and what makes him most comfortable. Generally, he’s a nurse-to-sleep (which every sleep book recommends against, but it works for us) or rock to sleep kind of guy. If he wakes a little, he either fusses it out or gets rocked again until he falls asleep. Sleep experts can tell me all day long that I’m ruining him — but one of the things I think about is this — this system so very naturally and intuitively works because it’s been what most of humanity has done for tens of thousands of years. Not one hundred, not a thousand, but tens of thousands of years. Ever since humans were humans, we’ve been nursing and rocking.

What else have we humans been doing? We’ve been co-sleeping. We’ve been bed sharing, snuggling, cuddling, and nuzzling in the night. We’ve done it for warmth, safety, security, comfort, intimacy and love. It’s who we are as humans — privacy and space are modern notions. Indeed, they are notions very specific to the first world, and not even all of the first world. As such (and with hyper-worry over SIDS and kid safety), co-sleeping has not been looked upon kindly in this country.

These are just my thoughts — not my point of view. In my heart, I love sleeping next to Sam. I’ve found I get more sleep when he’s tucked nicely next to me. I wake up quickly when he wants to nurse, and then back to sleep. As for safety, he’s a big dude. I would sure as hell feel it if I rolled on him. And I never have felt that I would. Since he was a tiny newborn, I’ve known he was safe (perhaps, safest) sleeping next to me. I observed that when he slept apart from me in those first few weeks, his breathing was irregular and spotty. When he was next to me, his breathing feel in tune with mine. That’s just nature for you. Makes sense that the spot next to mama is the best one. (There are lots of studies that say co-sleeping PREVENTS SIDS, but I won’t get into that here.)

That’s what I feel in my heart. In my body, which reflexively scrunches around Sam in the night, I feel otherwise. My hips hurt. My back hurts. My arm falls numb underneath my head. My body becomes not my own when I sleep next to Sam. My time becomes not my own when I take him into the bed when I go to sleep. It doesn’t belong to me and my husband. It is his. He is the priority — and of course, he always is. He should be.

So why have I co-slept? Why have I shared my bed?

I’ll tell you — I did it BECAUSE of a product that is meant to stand in place of bed-sharing, the Arm’s Reach Mini Co-Sleeper. This is a hot item to have as a new parent. I’ve seen multiple parents post pictures of it before baby is born, and in fact, most of the moms I know have had one. It gets good reviews on Amazon, and lots of people will recommend it to you. And why not? It is, in theory, a great way to keep your child in your room without keeping him in your bed. It is supposed to prevent sharing the bed. In my experience, it has encouraged it. (And I’m not the only mom who has said this.)

Why? Why does this happen?

Before I was a mom, I thought that you could put a baby anywhere and it would sleep if it was tired. This is a ridiculous viewpoint on my part, but anyway, it’s what I thought. I also thought that I could manage putting the baby back in the bassinet after nursing. Easy peasy.

In the dead of night, you will do anything for sleep. This I have learned. Anything. And you will fall asleep nursing. You will, for sure. The first few weeks, Sam slept great in the co-sleeper. But after falling asleep nursing him ONE TIME, he figured out that it was an option to sleep next to mommy. And oh yeah, he got the picture that that was WAY better than the co-sleeper.

The co-sleeper is small. It is colder than mom, no matter what you put in it. It is harder than the bed (even with the fancy mattress we purchased to go in it). And around one month of age, Sam decided that it absolutely sucked to be in there. Even before he started smiling, cooing or looking me in the eye, he had developed a strong preference for sleeping next to me. When I put him in the co-sleeper, he cried. He screamed, and he yelled. It seems like you could wait this out, but at 4AM all bets are off.

Did you hear me? At 4AM, all bets are off. I’m serious about this. You will think you are stronger than me, and perhaps you are! But really, until you experience repeated wakings, you don’t know what it’s like. It’s crazy insane torture to be kept awake at 4AM after only three hours of sleep prior. So the thought process goes something like this: Ok kid, it’s just you and me. What do you want? I’ll do ANYTHING for you to sleep. Anything. Do you hear me? What is it that you want? Oh you want my boob, and you want to be next to me. Yep, I’ll do that. Yes, now. Sleep. And just like that, a habit is created.

Perhaps you are better than I. Perhaps you will have success with this product. I have very mixed feelings about it. I had to keep trying Sam in the co-sleeper before he would sleep in there. By the time he would consent to sleep in it, he was around three months and already 14-15 pounds. He was rolling on his side, flailing about, and waking himself up frequently. When infants start rolling both ways, it’s recommended that you not place him or her in the bassinet anymore. Well, Sam has just recently accomplished those feats. If you want your infant in your room longer than four months, well dang, the co-sleeper just isn’t right for you.

Our current solution? Sam sleeps in his crib between five and eight hours a night, and then he’s in bed with me for the remaining hours. (As I said, it’s hard for me to hold strong at 4AM. Rocking him in the cold-ass nursery at that time is more than I can manage most of the time. I can make it through the first one or two wakings getting him back in the crib, and then next to me it is!) The bassinet is storage for blankets and clothes.

As I said, I have mixed feelings about this product. It’s a good place to put your kiddo when he or she isn’t in bed with you, but that’s really all it is. It’s not particularly safe once your child starts to move a bunch. I wouldn’t feel comfortable having Sam sleep in it without us in the room. And it doesn’t last that long — 23 pounds is the weight limit, but really, I wouldn’t recommend it after rolling begins. It’s also uncomfortable as it is sold — the folding mattress is flimsy and hard and made of scratchy-sounding plastic. (I would highly recommend purchasing a separate mattress.) Also, it’s a short little device. We had to purchase separate risers for it to reach our bed appropriately. It’s also kinda flimsy feeling, unless you purchase the expensive wooden version.

So what will I do when the hypothetical little brother or sister of Sam comes into the world? I’m not sure. As I said, I think about sleep too much. I think that the co-sleeper has limited usefulness, but it does have usefulness. It was great for the first three weeks or so — after that, I may move the next little mister or miss to the crib. Or perhaps I’ll simply bed share from day one (this doesn’t sound like a fun option, as much as I love the snuggles). It is likely that I’ll just use the co-sleeper in the same way — it’s a place to put the kid when he’s not demanding the spot next to mama. After that, it’s a place to put the kid before he moves to the crib. For us, crib time is now. (And yes, it’s been a wonderful thing in all of our lives.)

Would I recommend it? A big fat maybe. Overall, I feel that the co-sleeper is kind of gimmicky. It plays to the distinctly American fear of bed-sharing, but it puts the baby in such close proximity to the mother and father that it’s convenient for baby to wind up in bed.

Make your sleep plans as you will. If they include a co-sleeper or similar device, figure out how you feel about bed-sharing before your baby arrives. I tell you now — you MUST discipline yourself if baby is to end up in the actual co-sleeper. It’s dang hard at 4AM. Everything is. Room sharing has its benefits, and so does the crib.

If we had more room, I would so keep Sam’s crib in our room. In fact, I would sidecar it — see how here.

But alas. Our room is 13 X 13 and wouldn’t house such a set up.

The co-sleeper worked for a while, and soon it shall be in the attic. Be aware, future moms and dads. This is how it is — at least from my perspective!