What’s extended rear facing? ERF? Huh?
When I first entered the online crunchy mom cybersphere (mothering.com, diaperswappers.com, car-seat.org, offbeatmama.com and many more), I didn’t know what a lot of these crazy acronyms meant. I would see them in people’s signatures: “I’m a CDing, EBFing, ERFing, BWing PT WAHM to DS1, DD1 and DD2.” (In normal speak, that’s “I’m a cloth diapering, extended breastfeeding, extended rear facing, babywearing part time work at home mom to my son and two daughters.”) Whew! That’s a lot to keep track of. I figured out most of the stuff pretty quickly, but ERF was something I had to look up.
ERF means extended rear facing — or keeping your child in a rear-facing car seat past one year old. Turns out, lotsa people don’t do this. They read on the box the car seat comes in that you can turn your kid around at one year old or twenty pounds (if he hasn’t reached twenty pounds by one year) and don’t really think further than that. Some even see forward-facing a child as a milestone — like standing up, crawling or uttering a first word. Whatever the decision may be — forward face or rear face — it is NOT milestone. A milestone is something your baby accomplishes; turning a car seat one way or another is completely controlled by YOU.
Anyway, I’m getting ahead of myself. A milestone it is not. But why is it a big deal? It’s legal in the US to face your kiddo forward at a year, and after all, our parents never thought this much about car seats anyway. (I for one don’t EVER remember being in one, and don’t really recall a time I had to sit in the back seat. Now kids are in seats or boosters until they are 70 or 80 pounds.) I actually recall seeing kids I babysat for (years ago) in car seats and thought how weird it was that they were 8 and 10 and still sitting in car seats. It seemed like, at the time, a weirdo parental I-want-to-totally-control-my-kids thing to me. But it’s not. It’s about safety, and updated safety standards, and many many studies showing the effectiveness and safety of car seats. Extended rear facing is one of the things that has been studied over the past several decades since I was of car seat age. And wow, it’s pretty important.
I posted this video on my blog’s FB page (like me if you haven’t already! I post tons of links there) a couple of days back. This is a good visual representation of why rear-facing your child past one year is a pretty darn good idea. There are also tons of studies that show the same (a 2007 study here, a British study from 2009 here and a 2007 study showing that leg injury occurs far more often in forward facing seats here, for example). As demonstrated in the video and in the second study listed above, the biggest concern is the spine — when a car crashes, the body of the infant or toddler is often thrust forward in a forward facing car seat, and tragically, the neck can break quite easily when this happens. From car-seat.org:
Infants and young toddlers have spines made of soft bone and cartilage that doesn’t begin to harden until around age 3. As a result, the spinal column can stretch up to 2 inches; however, the spinal cord will rupture after being stretched after only ¼ inch. This damage cannot be repaired.
I included the third study to show that lower extremities are not exempt from injury in forward facing seats, as one might imagine. In fact, it is far likelier that your child will be injured in any way while forward facing. It’s a simple, proven fact: rear facing well into the second year of a child’s life, if not the third, is far and away the safest thing to do. (Here’s a great guide to lots of different links about rear facing.)
Why doesn’t everyone do this? There are lots of reasons. As mentioned above, some believe it is a milestone to put your child in a forward facing position at one year. As parents, we’re all eager for the next thing. Another reason is that when babies get to be about eight to ten months, they enter a fussy phase where it gets hard to put them in any kind of car seat — and parents often just think it is easier to have them forward facing (and it IS easier; fitting a kid into a rear-facing toddler seat can be a total pain). Last, some kids have real problems with motion sickness when facing backwards. (See a fabulous article by a mama who weighed the risks, and made an informed decision to go forward-facing) And it also just seems like it would be uncomfortable for a kid to be rear-facing as they get taller and older (if you check it out, Youtube has lots of slideshow videos that show some happy, passed out, cheerful kids with their feet pressed up against the back seat).
Whatever your decision is, make sure that you inform yourself of the risks and benefits to each car seat position — and each car seat! Great options for extended rear-facing include: the Sunshine Kids Radian XTSL (RF to 45 pounds), the Sunshine Kids Radian 80 (RF to 45 pounds), the Britax Boulevard (RF to 40 pounds), the Graco My Ride 65 (RF to 40 pounds), the Evenflo Triumph Advance (RF to 35 pounds), and the highly cost effective Cosco Scenera (RF to 35 pounds). What did we decide on? A Britax Boulevard for my car and a Cosco Scenera for Eric’s little car. (As for an infant car seat, it should always face the back of the car unless there are major carsickness issues.)
And that’s what ERF means.
The Great Daycare Search
Tonight, I toured my second daycare since the new year began. This seems odd, since we currently have a great sitter for Sam the two days a week I’m in the office. (I found her through P and E Babysitting in DC Metro area.) But I have decided to get Sam into daycare full time around the time he turns one. He’ll be beginning to be more social at that point, and I will be returning to work full time (which for my job is not 40 hours a week; it can be more like 50 or 60). And I just can’t afford a sitter for that amount of time.
I’ve found that every daycare has a waiting list, and that most waiting lists are six months or more. I’ve even come across a daycare that has a waiting list of two years! In two years, Sam will be ready for preschool! On that note, my coworker suggested that I start looking at preschools for Sam. After all, I need to go ahead and get him on the waiting list.
Perhaps this is the same everywhere, but I bet the waiting lists are longer and stronger in major metropolitan areas. I would probably have to get a baby on a preschool wait list as soon as I got a positive pregnancy test in somewhere like New York or San Francisco. That doesn’t make this search any less annoying — it just is what it is. Eric and I live here because of the jobs, and so does everyone else!
Not only do you have to get your kid on a wait list round these parts, you have to get them on several, and you have to Pay, Pay, Pay, Pay and Pay. The registration fees (really, let’s be honest, “registration fees” are simply bribes to get your kid on a list — and they may or may not get a spot, depending) range from $90-$150. Ouch! And the day care facilities themselves charge a dang pretty penny after your kid starts attending. The average is around $1600 a month for the bigger name facilities, and the cheapest I’ve found for home daycare is $1000 a month.
Ah my dream daycare. It lies just up the street from us. A tiny, obsessively organized lady runs it out of her home. It is immaculately clean, bright and cheerful, and generally just perfect. She makes all organic food, brings in a teacher to prepare the toddlers for preschool, and works on the bigger kids’ potty training habits. Of course, there’s a waiting list. And no, I’m not going to tell you where it is or how to get there. After all, I’m going to need that waiting list spot.
I also toured a big name daycare earlier this month. It was very nice and the ladies working there were very sweet. Children were sleeping peacefully, and everyone seemed to be well taken care of. But … the price was higher and the facilities just seemed … very … sticky. I feel like I’m a home daycare convert after today. I’m quite sure it depends on the daycare, but ah, this place was wonderful.
How do you find the perfect daycare? I have yet to figure out a precise method, but this is how I’ve started:
- Searching Google for day care facilities in the area and reading reviews
- Looking for lists of local day cares in the area (your county government’s webpage may have a list)
- Emailing day care facilities to set up tours or ask questions
- Making a spreadsheet comparing my favorite day care facilities in the area
Of course my dream day care is in the lead, for price and for loveliness, but I’m going to need to make sure we have Sam on several lists so that he can go somewhere when mama returns to her job 40+ hours a week.
I never knew it could all be so complicated!
For all you new mamas out there, make sure you are proactive in finding your perfect day care!
And preschool … I guess I better start looking at those too …
Haven’t you tried … [unsolicited advice]?
If you’re already a parent, you’ve already received unsolicited advice. You may have given it too. Everybody’s an expert when it comes to raising a child — getting them to sleep, getting them to eat, when to breastfeed, when to start formula, and when to start solids. You may have gotten advice on what stroller to purchase, or someone may have told you to skip the stroller altogether and just use an Ergo carrier. Your mom may tell you to let the baby cry it out, while your mother-in-law tells you to sleep with baby in bed. Your cousin may tell you to nurse until three while your sister tells you to have an elective c-section and start formula right away.
Believe me, I’ve heard it all by now. I can barely walk around among people I know without picking up some kind of advice, sticking to me like so much lint. At first, I let it get to me — I felt like I must be doing something wrong about some little particular. Recently, I’ve been highly concerned about Sam’s sleep schedule, and I keep getting lots of advice about the whole thing. (Put him down – let him cry. Let him sleep with you – take a nap when he does. Rock him back to sleep when he wakes up. Put him on his stomach. Let him self soothe.) I’ve been tearing my hair out about this, and I’ve beat myself up about every piece of advice.
I think the thing that gets to me most is … “You mean you don’t … [do such and such]?” Or “Doesn’t Sam do [such and such]” “Haven’t you tried … [something or other]?” Every implication with such language is that I’m not doing something I’m supposed to be doing, or that I am doing something I am not supposed to be doing. As a mother, I’m beginning to find it pretty infuriating.
I think these type of questions are tantamount to bullying — they make the speaker of the question feel quite superior about her (or his) type of parenting. It makes the speaker feel like she has all the answers, and that you are doing something wrong, perhaps potentially damaging, to your child. What a marvelous feeling for the speaker, but what a terrible feeling it evokes in the receiver of the unsolicited advice. Why do we, as parents, seek to divide? Why do we feel one style of parenting is better than the other? Why do we think the decisions we make for our own children are better than the ones made by our sisters, friends, cousins, brother-in-laws or mothers? Is something different so threatening?
The answer seems to be yes. I have a theory why. I think that the first few months of a child’s life are so unusual and so stressful that a parent who survives those months thinks to him or herself, “Well, I figured out how do do things this way, so this must be the only way.” So, a parent with a baby who has reflux says to a parent whose child has colic, “Well, why haven’t you tried such and such?” But of course, it’s not the same situation. It never is. A parent with a good napper says to a parent with a child who hates naps, “Well haven’t you tried …?” Thus, the cycle of unsolicited advice continues.
With Sam, the answer is — yes, we’ve tried it. He doesn’t stay in a swaddle (hasn’t since about three weeks old), rarely responds to rocking, doesn’t respond to shushing, wakes up after thirty minutes, will only rarely soothe himself to sleep, and hates a pacifier.
After this experience, I’m trying to vow not to do this to other mothers. If they ask my advice, I will give it. If not, I will try to keep my big mouth shut. Of course, I do have a blog — so I can spout advice all I want — and you don’t have to read it if you don’t want. I’m just one woman, and I read a lot of stuff. I write about it, and perhaps
What is right for one parent is not right for another. I had to catch myself when talking to a friend about circumcision. My viewpoint simply doesn’t apply — it’s her child, and it’s her decision.
I have to remember I’ve gotten a lot of unsolicited advice. I should use disposable diapers, feed my baby rice cereal to get him to sleep longer, start formula when he gets teeth, put him in the crib and let him cry, put him in my bed, never have a home birth, give him a bath every day, not give him a bath every day, carry him in a sling, swaddle him, and give him a pacifier to calm him down. I can’t take all of that advice, and some if it doesn’t even apply. My decisions — my child. I need to let the advice roll off of me like water.
It’s easy to feel like you have all the right answers, and it’s easy to get bogged down in a bit of advice or a parenting philosophy that is supposed to be the “best” or the “right answer” for your kid. Well, I gotta say, no child is one size fits all. Just like adults, they are all different. Each day, we as parents try to make it to the next, giving love and discipline, setting boundaries, and making decisions. We navigate the complicated pathways of having a child or two, and we carry on as well as we can. Nothing is the perfect answer, or something might be, but it’s not the perfect answer for everyone.
I’ll make a deal — try not to judge me, and I’ll try not to judge you. I’ll keep my advice to this one sphere of the internet, and please, at least say it nicely if you’re telling me what to do.
Five of Sam’s 2010 Favorites
1. Favorite Book: Mama, Do You Love Me? by Barbara M. Joose. Actually, this is my favorite, and I read it to Sam just about every night, so of course it’s his favorite too. It’s a beautifully illustrated book, and the bright colors and intricate designs stimulate Sam to touch the pages. It’s also not too long for his attention span (like some of the Dr. Suess books). The story is also sweet and reassuring and contains a cultural component to pique his curiosity in later years. Love it!
2. Favorite sleep aid: Cloud B Sleep Sheep! This is an extremely cute, fuzzy sheep. It also plays several white noise type sounds — rain, the ocean, a babbling brook, and whale song. (I’m not sure why a sheep would have whale noises, but it’s cool I suppose. I really like whales.) You can set the sounds to run 25 or 45 minutes in order to get Sam through his fitful sleep cycles at the beginning of falling asleep. The best part is that the sounds are not annoying — Eric and I can fall asleep to them as well. This is a lifesaver for fitful nights and unwanted naps!
3. Favorite stuffed animal: Jellycat Bashful Bunny. Sam’s bunny is his new lovey for night time and nap time. He holds onto it (picture in previous post), and he loves touching the ears and … well, chewing on its face. That’s the best thing ever right now in his life. Chewing on faces.
4. Best teething toy: Sophie the Giraffe! Sophie is soft, bendable, and non toxic. She also has thin legs and a thin neck — perfect for little infant hands to grasp. As with his Bun Bun, Sam likes to chew on Sophie’s face. Yum! I see Sophie everywhere! She must be quite popular with all the kiddies.
5. Favorite all-around toy: Manhattan Toy Winkel. Whatever this is, it’s a big hit. Sam loves to hold onto it and gnaw on all of the loops. He also loves to look at the colors and shake it to hear the rattle. A definite must!
The best thing is that these were all gifts! Many thanks to Lucila, Nicole, Emily, Lynn, Deb and the SLUTS (Southern Ladies Under Tremendous Stress — my aunt’s friends, who really have the best name of all). Sam is so lucky to have so many people who love him and give him such wonderful things.
Pregnant ladies, in particular — these are great items for your registry, birthday list, or holiday 2011 wish list!
Sleepy Time
Over the past few weeks, I have been reading all of the sleep information I can get my hands on. So far, I’ve read Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child, The No Cry Nap Solution, The No Cry Sleep Solution and Happiest Baby on the Block. So far, The No Cry Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley has been my favorite, and I really have very little use for Happiest Baby on the Block (this book is mostly targeted towards mothers of younger babies, particularly babies with colic).
Sleepy Sam -- Don't worry, we were in the room to protect him from dangerous pillows!
Why? Why are we interested in sleep? Well, I am interested in getting some. And indeed I am. Sam is sleeping at least five hours at a time at night, which is medically considered sleeping through the night. But, he does wake up a time or two after that, and yeah, after falling asleep in his bassinet, he still insists on staying in bed with us. (The shock! The horror! A baby in bed snuggled with mama!) My goals include: getting him to his crib by six months, getting him to learn how to fall asleep better on his own, and getting him to take at least two naps a day, lasting one hour or more each. I think this is attainable — and better yet, I truly believe this is attainable without TOO much relying on crying it out.
Well what have I learned? How does it apply to Sam?
On crying it out: Crying it out, which I wrote about before, CAN be a very useful tool for getting an infant to self soothe to sleep. I have found that, with Sam, sometimes he gets overstimulated being held or rocked or fed, and he just needs to fuss a little to himself in order to fall asleep. This doesn’t mean he needs to scream. He just needs to be left alone to say Meh, Meh, Meh, and then ZONK he is asleep. (This only works sometimes.) If he is screaming (Mehhhhhh Mehhh MWAAAAAAAAAAHHHHRRRRRRRRR), I know he is in distress, and I pick him up and comfort him. To me, this has proven to be an effective strategy for our kid. I’ve done this after having read about crying it out, and viewing both sides, and I take a balanced view. It works sometimes in some situations when Sam is in certain moods. I would highly recommend that anyone trying this method research it — it is only fair to you and your child that you are informed about what you are doing. (Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child and Solve Your Child’s Sleep Problems are the best books about this method.)
The best ideas from Elizabeth Pantley’s No Cry Nap Solution:
Set an early bed time! (This is also a great idea in Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child.) Try different times to see what works for your kiddo. I’ve tried: 6:30, 7:00, 7:30, 8:30 and 9:00. Before this Sam was going to bed at 10:00 or 11:00 — when we went to bed. And I wondered why he was so fussy! DUH. Now I’ve found that Sam goes to bed really well around 8PM, no earlier, not much later. Yay!
Adopt a lovey for your child. I’ve recently given Sam a bunny from my friend Nicole that he likes to hold on to. It really actually replaces mama’s boob, and it comforts him when he is on the fidgety edge of sleep. It helps him self soothe! Great idea, Elizabeth Pantley!
Create a ritual for bedtime. Well, this one isn’t too necessary for Sam. Find a good bedtime for him, nurse him, give him bunny, and he’s out. BUT I love reading him a book I got from a friend — Mama Do You Love Me? I read it just about every night before his last feeding. It is so sweet and unique, and I can’t wait til he understands — yes, I will always love you, because you are my dear one. He now loves to touch the pictures and listen to me read. If he’s patient, I also read him Goodnight Moon — or Dad reads it, sometimes in Christopher Walken’s voice! This is now his signal that it’s time for sleep, along with taking a warm bath, eating, getting a fresh diaper, and a putting on his sleep sack. ZONK, he’s out.
Observe your baby’s natural sleep times for naps. During the day, Sam likes to be AWAKE (this shift occurred shortly after he turned two months old — before that he slept all the time, which is natural!). This shocked me, and I didn’t know what to do. Now, I know that he needs to take a couple of naps, and he really needs all distraction removed. He rubs his eyes when he’s sleepy, fusses, and gets a faraway look in his eyes. Cue nap time!
Nap time should happen in his crib, far from distraction. Before now, I had been used to having Sam sleep in his swing or Pack and Play right with us. I felt I needed to watch him. Now he is fine in his crib (well, he’s getting there) at least once a day. He takes two naps (ish), and we all are happier! I really wish he would sleep two hours at a time, but one hour seems to be what he does right now. We’ll see how it develops over time.
Sam and his Bun
So far, so good! The best tip? From my coworker today — don’t stress over it. Patterns emerge, and your baby will fall into a more consistent nap and sleep pattern over time.
On co-sleeping and bed-sharing:
One last word — on co-sleeping. I think that co-sleeping has become sort of a dirty word in American society. It (like extended breastfeeding and babywearing) is quite common in other countries. In Japan (a country where I lived), I saw co-sleeping firsthand at houses I visited. Babies slept with Mama and Daddy — not a crib to be seen. Let me just say, I am rather ANTI bed-sharing, but I do it so that I can sleep — not so that I can meet some sort of crunchy ideal. After Sam wakes up the first time, he yells and fusses and takes a giant dump when I put him back in his bassinet. Intellectually, I want him to stay there. I really, really do. But at 4AM, I often feel rather too lovely to put effort into getting him back to sleep. What’s easiest? Here’s a boob, go back to sleep. I wake up with my back hurting from being curled up protectively and stiffly beside him (this is a weird mothering instinct that kicks in though you don’t expect it to — there is not one moment since about week 3 that I’ve ever thought I’d roll over on Sam. Have you seen my giant baby? His giant head would crush my side if I accidentally moved onto him).
Yeah, I was a co-sleeping, bed-sharing hater. I was hating on it. I thought it was dangerous, and infringing on my space, and la la la. Well, I figured it out at about week two. Baby doesn’t want to be in the cold co-sleeper. Seriously. Babies are FAR more aware than you think they are going to be. The first time I accidentally fell asleep with him next to me, he thought, “Yes, this! This is better than the stupid co-sleeper. I will yell any time she puts me there. Yell, yell, yell some more!” So we bed shared for most of the first two months, and then he decided it was okay to be in the co-sleeper bassinet for the first part of the evening. Good times. It is better on my back anyway.
My point? If you are planning to nurse in bed, you WILL fall asleep next to your baby. It will be scary the first few times. You will do internet research on the horrors of co-sleeping, and you will find that it’s probably pretty okay unless you are drunk, on drugs, a heavvvvvy sleeper, or significantly overweight. The best way to avoid bed-sharing altogether? Put your baby in a crib from day one. There are huge benefits to co-sleeping and room-sharing though — baby’s breathing is regulated when he is near mama, reducing the risk of SIDS, and nursing is far far easier with the closeness, meaning more sleep for you guys.
And last, after this rambling sleepy mess, you can have a successful sleeper with co-sleeping. Sam is! Moving to the crib … well, that’s a post for later. But we’re on our way … For now, it’s hard for me to let go …
Sammy asleep
Welcome to the Savvy Mom Space
I’m a liberal feminist that believes that liberal, feminist ideals should gel with embracing your gender and motherhood (if that’s what you feel like doing). I support all kinds of moms and dads and parents. Oh and, although I totally love that natural vibe and not harming the environment, I supplement my organic milk and fresh fruits and veggies with the occasional Twix, the frequent Oreo, and the daily Coke Zero. I’m opinionated, not easily offended, and a loudmouth in person and on the internet. I am what I am. Welcome.
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